Category: over-coming fears

When I was a kid I needed ouchless ….

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I shouldn’t admit this but for the sake of this bit, here goes ….

When I was a kid they didn’t have the ouchless band-aids yet.  I never let my mom rip my band-aid off and I never took it off myself. If my mom tried to take it off I would cry bloody murder, as though she was coming towards me with a machete.

Yes, I was one of those kids that would have a dangling band-aid rather than the momentary not-quite pain of ripping it off.  At times I would cut the dangling parts off.  I’d wind up with the tiniest little bit of band-aid still attached. 

Who knows where that fear of ripping it off came from.  In the summer I now have all sorts of band-aid less wounds when I’m out in the mountains roughing it. Yet, when I hear the term, “Just rip the band-aid off”, yikes do I empathize. 

I’m over 60 yrs old and well …. still use band-aids until I’m sure I don’t need it anymore.  The other day I cut myself with a knife.  It wasn’t a bad cut.  It looked and felt like a paper cut.  My point is that in that sliver of cut there is a teeny-tiny flap of skin that catches on fabric and THAT is the part that hurts.  It’s ok.  I roll my eyes at myself sometimes too.  Ok, a lot.

Yesterday I thought was the last day of having a band-aid on the cut. Last night I …. “Ouch” …. caught that bit of skin on my clothes.  I looked at my hand and thought, “How can that be”?  I see my band-aid,  I then realized that I had the band-aid on the wrong finger.   

Argh!  Ugh!  Thank goodness I can laugh at myself, and often!  

The silver lining

Posted on Posted in Extraordinary things, grateful, happy, healing, healthy, nostalgia, over-coming fears, peace, perception, the things we do, unexplained mysteriesLeave a comment

I love movies and have for a long time. When my boys were young there were movies we’d watch over and over and never grow tired of them. I’m still that way. I love the movies that surprise me at the end like Sixth Sense, The Others and Shutter Island. I love the romantic comedies, tear-jerkers and a good drama. I love the Pixar and Dream Works type animated movies, especially the ones that make me laugh. I am a sucker for sappy romance movies too.

I’m grateful that during many challenging times throughout my life, I’ve found the silver lining. Sometimes it’s not some ah-ha moment, divine wisdom or a sense of grateful lesson but a gift within the challenge.

My TBI was at the end of 2003. During 2008 and 2009 was by far the most challenging time of my decreased cognition. My short term memory was … well, very short. Some … well quite a bit of my long term memory wasn’t so good either.

The most entertaining silver lining as a result of my TBI came during 2008 and 2009 when my cognition was at it’s worst. I could watch movies over and over again and not remember a thing. Even the movies I had on VHS that I had watched for years became new again. It was fabulous! The only one I didn’t like was City of Angels because every time, the ending would rip my heart out and each time, I never saw it coming.

I am grateful for all the silver linings that I’ve been fortunate enough to recognize.

Facing my fear of heights

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I imagine this is the longest blog post I’ve ever written. I hope you get a great belly laugh reading it.

First off, let me say how grateful I am that I find such humor in my challenges and mistakes. After-all, I’m only human. I have a terrible fear of heights. Even when someone is close to the edge in a movie, my knees quiver and my stomach heads upward to my throat.

The balcony: A week after I was married (20 yrs old), we went to a concert. My husband got balcony seats. gulp I was so scared to go down the steep steps to our seat that I cried (literally). My husband was one of those very popular people and of course we were surrounded by people he knew. He repeatedly was telling people that he just got married and then would point to the girl who was standing against the wall sobbing. After that, I always made sure that if I were going down steps, that someone was directly in front of me so that basically, I couldn’t see where I was going.

I don’t like how limiting this fear is so for years, I’ve been challenging myself. This rarely turns out well but I have continued to give it a shot.

The small town bridge: Just last month, while my vehicle was in the shop I walked around town. I walked on a bridge that went over the railroad tracks. I focused on looking forward and I did great, even though the sidewalk seemed narrow and the cars went by, I did it! On the way back I crossed the same bridge. For some reason, this time the sidewalk seemed much narrower and the cars seemed to be wizzing past me. As I neared the top of the bridge I mistakenly looked outward from the bridge, my eyes dropped and I instantly went into a panic attack.

I made sure to keep breathing. My knees wanted to buckle and I found myself mindfully putting one step in front of the other and again, and again. I can’t imagine how slowly I was moving. I wanted to be rescued but that was not realistic. I kept putting one step in front of the other until I was close to the bottom and the sidewalk widened to a normal size again. whew … I made it!

The glass elevator: There were many similar instances. In 1995 I was in Nashville for work and stayed on the top floor of the Embassy Suites. It’s a beautiful hotel with a glass ceiling over the atrium lobby and, of course they have glass elevators. I got in the elevator looking just like any other adult. I pushed the button for the 9th floor, waited and up we started. As soon as we left the ground floor, all I could see was how high I was off the ground; my knees buckled and to the floor I went. I squatted on the floor until the doors opened for my floor. … at least it was most likely unforgettable and entertaining for everyone else in the elevator.

The grand staircase: While in Nashville, I also went to the Opry Land Hotel; which is another gorgeous place with many restaurants and a breathtaking atrium area. When I went in I saw a huge staircase that looked like it was from the Gone with the Wind movie set. I went up it so fast that I didn’t take time to think about how I would get down. Stairs are an issue for me so I ALWAYS use the handrails. Well, this banister and handrail was beautiful wood approximately 6” wide which of course is too wide to grip. I could gracefully put my hand on it if I were in a movie with a long flowing gown in quite dramatic fashion … oh who am I kidding? I would trip on the long flowing gown and slide my way down (hopefully on my rear end vs my nose). I stayed up on the landing until someone was willing to walk down in front of me so I couldn’t see where I was going.

The Royal Gorge bridge: Just to give you some perspective: The Royal Gorge bridge is 1260 feet long and 18 feet wide. The steel base structure is covered with 1292 wooden planks and is 955 feet above a canyon (the Arkansas River). It is also a suspension bridge so you can feel a sway as you go across it. From 1929 – 2001 it was the World’s highest bridge.

I grew up in Colorado and we would take our out of town visitors to see it. I could never go across it. I would stand at one end and … you got it … cry because I was too afraid to go across.
In the late 1990’s I took visitors (one being my chosen daughter) from the South to go see it. Two of the three I brought there were young (about 10 and 13 yrs old). I stood at one side and looked across to the other where the gift shops were. I decided I was an adult and by golly I was going to make it across that bridge.

As the kids darted back and forth looking over the side, (ha ha ha over the side, I couldn’t even look in the direction of the side). I bravely walked right down the center, eyes focused on getting to those buildings on the other side. I got about half way across and felt the sway. My knees buckled and I went down. I squatted and kept control of my nerves. I contemplated turning around and going back but that didn’t seem to be an option because I was unable to turn myself around. I took a few deep breaths, got up and with a fast-paced, focused walk, I made a b-line for the other side.

Of course to get back to the car, I had to do it again however … I had a focus point on the other side and went right down the middle walking as quickly as I could.

The ferris wheel at the North Pole: Another attraction in Colorado is the North Pole – Santa’s Workshop in Cascade, near Colorado Springs. There is a ferris wheel. The elevation of this giant wheel is 7,200 feet and as far as I know is still the World’s highest ferris wheel.

My chosen daughter at 10 years old wanted to go on it but wasn’t tall enough to go alone. No one would go with her so I said I would accompany her. The gal at the bottom that buckled us in said to give a thumbs down if we needed to come down.

Did I mention that this giant ferris wheel juts out from the side of the mountain? Just as we near the top and are hanging over the side of the mountain it stops. I’m assuming to let someone off and another person on, regardless it stopped. I opened my eyes for a split second and decided not to do that again.

Our seat was wiggling so I peaked. My dear girl was wiggling her feet. I told her not to move. She was very sweet and compassionate, wrapping her arm around me and patting me with her other hand, reassuring me that we’d be okay. I peaked down and saw the others laughing hysterically as my head was buried into the abdomen of this 10 year old girl until we got back down to the ground.

Pikes Peak: My favorite Pikes Peak quote: “The middle of the road IS my side”. As an adult I wouldn’t go to the top unless I was the one driving. There was no way I was going to be in the passenger seat, on the edge.

Needless to say, everyone loves going to amusement parks and fairs with me because I’m the one that is too chicken to go on the rides so I’m the designated “Hold this” person.

Sounds that ignite our imagination

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Many years ago I woke up during the night. I’m not sure what woke me. It could have been one of the pets, a tree limb or any number of things.

I laid there (on my side) in my semi-conscious state as I began drifting back to sleep. What a peaceful space to be in.

Snuggling unconsciously into my pillow and all of a sudden … I hear heavy, slow moving footsteps coming down the hallway towards my bedroom. I was on the side of the bed closest to the door.

Could I get off the bed, to the other side and onto the floor without making a sound? I’ve imagined before what I’d do if someone came in during the night but reality turns out to be much different.

I held my breath and listened. The footsteps stopped. I breathe quietly again and the footsteps resume. Panic begins to set in. The footsteps get heavier as my breathing gets harder.

Again, I hold my breath to listen and the footsteps stop. I blink and just then I realize … there are no footsteps. My eyelashes were hitting the pillow.

Bees and other flyers

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When I was a kid, well and way into my adult-hood, I was terrified of bees and other flying creatures.

I didn’t like butterflies because they seemed as confused as moths and would flitter about aimlessly. I couldn’t dodge them because I didn’t know which way they’d be going.

I especially didn’t like bees. I was terrified of them. When I was five years old we were on a camping trip. My older brother and I were exploring and found an old ticket booth. As he opened it up we were surrounded by bees. He was stung mercilessly while I only got a few stings but one that would forever remind me. I had a little crevice in my nose for most of my life from one of those stings. (I think it finally went away about 15 years ago.)

My fear of bees was a source of entertainment for all who witnessed it. When I’d work in the flowerbeds, if a bee came I’d run as fast as I could, flailing my arms like a mad women. The elderly couple across the street loved it. I had other similar occasions where people would see me screaming and running; at picnics, in parks, etc. I’ve seen adults and kids alike, laughing hysterically at the sight.

In late 2003 I had a TBI. One of the very incredible things to come from that was that I no longer had any fear of bees or other flying creatures.

In 2005 I went into a butterfly hutch and was surrounded by thousands of butterflies, I was amazed by them.

I realized I no longer had a fear of bees when I went with my mother to a lavender farm to cut fresh lavender. I was squatting on the ground clipping and realized that I had bees buzzing all around me and I was fine.

I now have a tree not far from our front door. This time of year, as I walk by it, all I can hear is the beautiful hum, the buzzing of many bees on the blossoms and I feel a sense of awe throughout my being.

The difference? The TBI slowed me down and reconnected me to nature in a way that I hadn’t been since I was a child, living in the mountains of Colorado.